Wow! I couldn't even describe it, but you as a reader, if you can help me figure out the right term for it then that would be great!
Ever since I graduated college, I had the mind set that I am going to do what I want to do and that my mother won't be able to question me anymore because I have finished college and I just followed what mothers commonly say to adults like me then, " You can do whatever you wanna do after you graduate".
Great! I can sense freedom!
We always ask for freedom!
FREEDOM!
After graduation, I did not let time pass without doing anything, I was not like any other kid that stayed at home and did not know what to do with their lives. I looked for a job right away. And I got hired away too! I was free to do what I wanted to do. I went to the luxurious bar, gimmicks bars, drunk and partied like there was no tomorrow on weekends. As the saying goes " work hard, play hard, party harder!" I went to some of the places I wanted to go. #YOLO MOMENTS again!
And even so I did not practice Nursing at this time yet. I did something worthwhile. I have felt I was responsilble of myself wherever I go which was a great deal of responsibility for me. But what hurts the most is being told by people who rarely know what you like and what you've been through that you do not have a direction and you don't know what you're doing. Let me ask you this for those of you who have asked me that, have you achieved you dreams, are you even practicing your profession. What are you doing right now?
We all have different things happening in our lives. We have things we want to achieve but can't because of certain circumstances. As in my case, during my elementary to highschool days I was a part of every dance troupe that was formed wherever I am. Whether it be at school or even in our small barangay in Forest Drive Village. Then college came, I was diagnosed with Mitral Valve Regurgitation. Such a bad news, it doesn't allow me to do any strenous activity. I wasn't allowed to dance anymore. I couldn't even run as fast as I did before. I used to be part of a Track in Field team. I won before. Little did I know that I had something that wasn't diagnosed yet. I wanted to join sponsored Run or Marathons but I couldn't. I wanted to join a dance team. An official one where I can pursue my passion for dancing and music. Worst! My doctor wouldn't even allow me to work in the hospital to practice my profession if I passed the board exam. That was one thing that actually frustrates me everytime I take the board exam. It boggles my mind that I couldn't even practice what was taught to me, what I worked hard for in college. The only thing that was left of me to do was to stay at home and rest and let my body not feel any kind of stress at all. But I still chose to work, I had to convince my doctor that I was fine and that I can manage. So with my mother's consent. I got the paper signed and worked. That was the only sense of freedom that was left of me. Atleast I had the permission to work.
So it's almost 10 years now since I was diagnosed with this heart disease and the only thing that is going to cure this is through a surgical operation.
I had been to a series of depression cycle. Mild to borderline. From being paranoid to feeling down.
I pity myself. There are a lot of things I wish I could do. Sometimes I tend to break the rules just to explore more. What a bittersweet life.
As I face everyday, the more I am taught with lessons that I need to learn. There are also things that I learned from other people. I was given a chance by our Father to do some of the things that I loved to do without giving me any bad consequences. Thank God!!! I was given freedom by my family but a lil reminder shouldn't hurt because it is just for my own good. I know that I am just trying so hard. Trying to be okay. Who wants to be sick anyway? But I want to be masked with Positivity if I had to pretend and play fine. I chose to be with Positivity other than anything else.
As a grown up now, as I am on my late 20's, thank God I reached this age even though my heart has something in it. I have learned that life can twist you, fool you, teach you, hurt you, and turn it all around to lessons and worthy lessons that you'll need to be fully equipped and be strong. We are vulnerable. Admit it!
I am thankful for what I have, something that I have overlooked before. And for the people who have stayed and look out for me and you know who they are. It's our Family. I am so much thankful for my Family. I thank God for the wonderful blessings He has bestowed and provided us with. I am also thankful for my life and all the lessons I have learned for the past years ( since the day I started to understand things when I was little) Hahaha!
Being a grown up with my kind of condition is hard. You will never understand people who are sick if you're not sick. There are too many things to consider. To many to adopt and understand. We all are different in our own right. We just need to be responsible enough to get through everything, undertstand our situation, accept the things for which we are and ofcourse with love,faith and passion, we will all just get through everything.
xoxo,
MK
