In a State of Depression.

Yes! And nobody had the idea until I opened up to my Mother yesterday. I cried all throughout the time I was talking to her to tell her why I became like this and that. Why I was so wild and did whatever I wanted to do and all that stuff.

I have a major heart problem and that sinked in to me and I had a hard time accepting it. I was in total denial about it, and wanting to forget it had me divert my attention and did all the stuff that could make me happy and forget about it. But at the end of everyday, I always cry in my room and thinks that I have no one. I always wanted to have a best friend whom I can share my thoughts with but I couldn't open up. I always wanted to have a companion. I had very low self-esteem and I am so thin because. I was insecure but that wasn't shown to them coz I maintain a nice front. I faced people with a smile but deep inside I was so low to myself like I had the most unbelievable disease that the only cure is surgery and having that in mind made me depressed like I couldn't find a way.

I thought i was having multiple personality disorder because I was different at different place. Sometimes I am the most happy kid, then I become the saddest and then become manic then become depressed again. Then i don't seem to remember some of them even. This is reason why I have a blog for me to remember things. I don't know if everything is induced by medicine. But at the kind of state of mind that I have right now? I feel good and I feel so nice about myself. I am no longer insecure, I am no longer that person who is so low to oneself and I am no longer the kind of person who is too clingy and afraid of being left alone. I am no longer the type of person who cries for help because I need people to listen to me. I have accepted my disease with all my heart and come what may.

I have friends who were very patient i guess. But they do not get the reason why I am like this because I couldn't tell them, but one... I always tell them that I am sick. I am sick. I am sick. 

I would be happy around them and then suddenly I cry at night in my bed coz it's as if nobody remembered me. I was depressed like I didn't have a friend. 

One reason why I don't engage to serious relationship is because I am sick. I am always afraid for the guy to love and had to take care of me, I am afraid of getting hurt. And I thought I wasn't capable of being loved by anyone. I felt like people kept on pushing me away for the lowest reasons and for unreasonable events, I would just cry. Really cry hard. I didn't understand myself. I didn't care whom I was with.

I had a bestfriend that I kept mentioning. Coz last year was the most intense of everything where my depression really had me go wild and did what I wanted. My sadness was masked with wild and crazy to forget what I was on. In turn Sunshine couldn't understand me when I start to pity myself then cry then cry and cry in front of her. I couldn't tell her because I would just say I am afraid of being left alone coz it seems like nobody understood me. 

I forgot about myself and I was more on engaging life of others because mine wasn't interesting anyway because I was sick. I forgot about my dreams, my ambitions and it's like they all fade away, I was clinging on what I had while it lasted. I forgot that life is all about MOVING ON. I couldn't move on.

I had so many issues

Broken Family issues

Personal Issues

Relationships 

I lose myself. I forgot about myself.

But there is someone that keeps on looking through, it was my mother.

She said she had an idea of what I going through, she didn't bother to tell me. But when I told her about it, she confirmed she knew about it.

I feel better now.

I don't know what lies ahead but I am ready for anything. I am no longer bitter for anything from the past. 

I am moving on.

I love life and life loved me back.

THANK GOD FOR MOTHERS

THANK GOD FOR LIFE 

THANK GOD FOR EVERYTHING!

Wishes..

A song for someone I'd meet who'd be with me forever. ;-)

SPEAK TO ME, THOUGH I AM UNWORTHY...MAKE ME YOURS

I have been wanting to blog again. But I have been uncertain of my emotions. Should I hate the person? Or expand my patience and understanding? I felt I was little down and the person causing it couldn't see it as I am wearing a mask whenever we meet. It's just so hard to express as it might sound really mean after all, nobody ever dictated to me that I should be that stupid for a person who remembered me only when my help was needed. 

I did not ask for anything in return. Uhm except for one or two little things, be real and talk to me when I also needed someone to talk to. No material things, just time. But the person doesn't talk to me unless a trouble came or the person needed something. Say what now? Always? 

And the moment I realised that, I find it hard to trust anyone. That the sole person I can trust is MYSELF when it comes to everything that I do, I feel, I observe and I see. I can feel God guiding me through and he is also helping me lengthen my patience so I won't burst out my anger infront of the person whom I am mad at but couldn't afford to stay mad even for a minute. 

On the other hand, I have also learned that I can be this patient. I can be this kind, and I can be that kind of friend. I am proud of myself also. I mean, not all friend can do that without complain. I have complained but just in time for me to quit my position because the kindness was overused and I was also taken for granted. The last part is the saddest. How could I be one of those people to be taken for granted when I had done so much for the person? That I must complain about. But that would stop there. 

I remain to be a friend, to keep mum and distance just a lil bit because, anyway I am not the main person to run to when the person needed someone to talk to, I was the person needed only when the person NEEDED something. Well, I used to be the one to talk to but I don't  know what made it to be the latter one. So confusing. And I was hurt. Yes. Then suddenly I learned and heard that I was being judge as someone I am not. That was the main reason. I was fooled, played and used and manipulated as it was my weakness to be someone's best friend. Is that how best friends are? In a way, but please never USE, FOOL, PLAY GAMES and TALK to their backs like "hey, I don't know why she's like that to me"... but uses the NICKNAME we invented when the need arises. That is USING.

#ATTHISPOINTIREMEMBERIWASUSED... PAUSE. DONE.

But I am okay now. I'm not with it. Back to being the regular me. Mindful of how people treat me.

I cannot imagine myself staying long in that kind of position in someone else's life. No! I am not a robot!

THIS SONG BY SARAH G. I DEDICATE TO THOSE I HAVE MISSED.

So, I apologized to those people whom I have not spoken to for a year because I was at work most of the time, hang out with workmates and thought I had the great best friend already. Sad to say when you think you found a lifelong friend, takes much of your time hanging out with that person, only to realize in the end that you're being laughed at, misjudged and misinterpreted. How I wish I spent it with those who aren't judgemental. But it's okay now. We're still friends still slightly best friends, but yes to being CLOSE FRIENDS, but I am still not the person to talk to. It's ok now taking away the though that the person is my best friend. I don't have one. But I have lots of close friends, that I also realised by the way. And it feels better that way.

I am not bitter. I say this once only.

But I must say, I was hurt. Just a lil bit.

Well that was because it as I who intended to overdo things. 

Now I have learned to say no when necessary and say yes, when it is indeed very much necessary ;-)